TheatreVirginia: I’m talking with Dr. Jesse Rabinowitz, therapist with the Jewish Family Services. Normally, I interview people from the theater community, but here we are going to enter the world of therapy. Now, should people who come to see I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change expect your talkback for Speaking of Theater to radically change their lives? We hear of stories about people who listen to Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil for a few minutes on the radio or on television and claim that their lives are radically and magically changed.

Jesse Rabinowitz: Those are unlikely expectations, but on the other hand, the expectation that could be met in the format we’re talking about for Speaking of Theater is that you never know when you might hear information or have a realization that does change your life.

TVA: Let’s talk about the specifics on the play because I’m fascinated by this. First of all, I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change is a comedy musical revue that is designed entirely for laughs, but it does contain some ideas that ring true. These characters are able to hold up a real funhouse mirror to the audience. The play sets up a litany of interpersonal relationships. It’s also about the search to find that perfect someone.

JR: I agree with what you’re saying. Many of us search for that perfect person throughout our lives. I think the fantasy to find that perfect one can be traced back to romantic literature and the notion of true romance. Or this search is the collision between romantic love with the way that marital and other relationships are designed to work.

TVA: Well, as you can see in the play, this search can drive you crazy. Now, is ‘crazy’ still an acceptable term in your profession?

JR: (laughs) In the way you used it just now, yes. What usually happens is when you get into a relationship’s courtship phase is that when the anesthetic wears off, you settle into figuring out that they’re a human being just like you and you have characteristics that may get on the other person’s nerves. It’s guaranteed to happen. So if you come in with a template that you’ve got to find the perfect person, you’re setting yourself up for failure because, obviously, they’re not the perfect person.

TVA: You touch on something very good. Let’s talk about the way that needs change and the way this is dramatized in the play. We start out with the dawn of time and quickly go to the search for that perfect someone. That’s the courtship and dating phase. Then you go from finding that someone to making a commitment to them. Then you go from marriage to becoming a parent. So let’s discuss the way that those relationships change all the way around.

JR: When we first meet somebody, the priorities are quite different than when we make a commitment and have children. That’s one of the things that shakes people up in relationships. The relationship now becomes more than two people, and you’ve got a whole new interpersonal feel there. You have relationships with the children that may or may not complement the relationship between the parents. What is captured wonderfully in the play is that the search for a connection is consistent throughout our lives. The work for therapists in working with couples is how do you work with happening with that need for a connection within the context that those people are in whether it’s family, children, or elders. But you have to work within the given context to make that connection a reality.

TVA: Again, you’ve touched on a good point. There isn’t a "one session fits all" in the world of therapy.

JR: I can’t speak for all the therapists out there, but I don’t like to work in packaged ways. There certainly are manualized treatments. There are techniques that I use to work with every couple, but you’re always in a new situation with every couple.

TVA: You said that you have certain techniques you use with all couples. Would you mind sharing one with us?

JR: Not at all. I typically teach couple within the first few sessions a way to communicate that will increase the way they hear and understand each other and decrease the likelihood that they will intimidate and flee from each other. It’s basically a way to teach people to take turns, to listen and to be empathic with the other person. It helps the couple to realize that they each have their own truth about the situation they’re arguing over. Both of those sets of truths are perfectly honest and perfectly reasonable even though they are different. There is no one truth. It helps people to slow down their dialogue and make certain that they are actually listening to each other and can even paraphrase back what the other person said just to be sure.

TVA: Now you’ve come home from work after a long day of helping people. Have you learned to decompress in a way and just let everything go or what do you do to relax?

JR: Letting go takes years of work. When I first started this work, I would come home and it would still be with me. It’s not just the coming home and letting go part that is hard, but at work you go from one therapy session to another, hour after hour, and how can you stay present if you’re carrying baggage?

TVA: Are you looking forward to our talkback day with thirty to fifty people who are going to bombard you with questions?

JR: Absolutely, because you never know what’s going to come up. I’ve always liked to do these kinds of talks because it’s another one of those interpersonal relationships. We’ll all be there after seeing this wonderful play and laughing a lot. I’m especially looking to doing the talk with Brenda, my wife, who is also in the field. When you’re out there talking about relationships you ought to have your spouse along to keep you honest.

Images from TheatreVirginia's 2001-2002 production of I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change, book and lyrics by Joe DiPietro, lyrics by Jimmy Roberts, directed by Pamela Hunt. May 15-June 8, 2002.
Photos by Eric Dobbs

Left to Right: Alan Souza and Amy Griffin share the afterglow of love.

Left to Right: Mark-David Kaplan and Amy Griffin try to enjoy a football game.

Left to Right: Heather Ayers, Amy Griffin, Mark-David Kaplan and Alan Souza spend some quality family time together.

Left to Right: Mark-David Kaplan and Heather Ayers try to share a movie.


Left to Right: Heather Ayers, Amy Griffin, Alan Souza and Mark-David Kaplan try to keep it together at the altar.